August 5, 2013 Dependency/Co-Dependency/Independency/
Interdependency
Richard
H. von Gremmler
I seriously doubt if
any of the individual’s who have the opportunity to read this article have ever
seriously questioned or considered the dynamics regarding this subject. I wonder how many actually have the awareness
and emotional fortitude to explore the genuine feelings deriving from their
emotions? And I’m also including the
renowned scholars such as Freud, Jung, Maslow, Erickson, Skinner, Piaget, etc.,
and also, should there be any current ones.
When speaking of
independency, I’m not referring to financial or physical security, but the
actual freedom from the dependency with our needing emotional attention from
others. The quandary here is, having the
strength and determination to become liberated from all external emotional
attachments and dependencies. And there
can be no exceptions, as this includes everyone; mate, family, friends,
etc. And the obvious conflict; becoming
capable with sacrificing emotional ties with everyone!
It is absolutely
essential with becoming independent before we can ever achieve interdependency,
which is fundamental before we will ever be able to experience genuine
love. And the only means by which to
achieve independency is through the attainment of Self-awareness.
To enlighten the
readers and relieve some of the tension and concerns with requiring sacrificing
all emotional ties, this doesn’t necessitate total detachment or alienation
forever. Once we have attained Self-awareness and independency on our own,
we’ll be in a confident position by being capable with assisting others with
their development of deep and genuine emotional interactions.
True independency
will offer us emotional freedom, which is vital for us to be able to compose
our own personal preferences in life, while not fearing losing relationships or
being influenced by the expectations from others. And again, this includes family members,
friends, and anyone we might consider to be an integral part of our worlds.
With independency,
we’ll be in a position where we will discourage others from superficial and
trivial interactions. This will allow
for a limited audience though, whereby attracting only sincere and non-demanding
personalities.
Just considering the
emotional stress by pursuing independency might create; many will be
apprehensive, fearing potential loneliness and isolation. But this is totally untrue. First off, with
attaining independency, we will have developed respect for ourselves, and will
be capable with appreciating the values of our emotional unique Self with being
alone (not lonely). We will no longer
have needs from others to fulfill these personal emotional needs (voids).
Dependency on others
creates a phenomenon, whereby, always fearing the threat of loneliness, both
consciously and unconsciously; resulting from death, separation, divorce,
etc. Whereas, with being self-contained,
we may grieve over the loss, but our emotional world will still continue as
before. Also, this is where memories
will prevail and remain alive, always recalling and experiencing the respective
attachments.
When interacting
with others, a limited number will be able to experience and feel comfortable
with their inner-security, whereby feeling unthreatened and free of
expectations or demands from others.
This is imperative for positive and realistic interaction, whereby
opening a new and emotionally uncomplicated world of communication for
everyone.
Whereas, once we
have achieved independency within our own personal world, we will be in a
unique position, whereby, now being capable with educating, and guiding and
supporting those we care for, with achieving their independency, and that also
means independency from us. Therefore,
no one really needs to sacrifice anyone!
The most exciting
thing about emotional freedom (independency) is that, this will provide us with
the security and self-assurance to be able to express our genuine feelings and
opinions, and without the fear of sacrificing any affiliations. There will be those who will resent our
independency, mostly because of their inability with ever becoming independent.
With independency,
we will also have succeeded with achieving an exclusive personal and positive
environment within our previously segregated emotional inner-world. As there will be no expectations or demands
placed on us, or others, thus allowing everyone the freedom to express their
genuine personal emotional feelings, regardless of the consequences!
Another exciting
feature with having achieved independency is that, should we encounter others
who are also emotionally independent, this will result in an immediate
respected reciprocity. These esoteric relationships with two or more
independent individuals, regardless of age or gender, will allow for the
ultimate relationship: interdependency.
And only through interdependency can there ever be sincere and genuine
friendship and love.
For those
unfortunate individuals who are always involved in dependency relationships,
the interactions and expressions of feelings will always be conflicting and
obscured. It is impossible for
emotionally dependent individuals to be authentic; because of barriers and the
fear of damaging the pseudo relationship with the individual(s) they’re
dependent on.
And the greater the
needs, the greater the facade will become, and unfortunately, without
intervention, the needs and fiction will continue to increase. And it is quite possible that the needs may
accumulate to the point of addiction.
To be dependent on
the emotional needs for and from others can become very exhausting and
demanding, as we’ll always be dependent on their emotional internal
environments, rather than our own. And
whatever chaos is transpiring within their personal world(s), these dynamics
will always have a direct and profound effect on our internal emotional
environment.
And as part of this
equation, there will always be inhibitions.
And with emotional inhibitions, this will almost always eventually lead
to emotional isolation: because of the denial and resistance of expressing and
experiencing personal genuine emotions.
Whereas, this could create a phenomenon, whereby we will then seek out
and become dependent on the emotions of anyone: to the degree of our emotional
starvation. And all of this garbage will
affect everyone residing in similar worlds.
And again, all of
this takes place with our emotions being controlled and manipulated by the
emotions of others, whose internal environment may even be more dysfunctional
than our own. Whereas, with
independency, we would be capable with fulfilling our own emotional needs, thus
not requiring needs from others.
It’s unfortunate,
but we will always seek out external emotional stimuli from others, even those
with very unfortunate personalities, for what we lack within ourselves
(void).
Another point of
interest, we might even find others establishing a scenario by appearing
emotionally dependent on someone, whereby using this as a ploy by manipulating
this specific someone to become emotionally dependent on their dependency; thus
serving as a source of reinforcement and security for them. They may eventually lead to a conditioning
process, whereby becoming more trusting of others than they have faith in
themselves.
With this scenario,
individuals will become conditioned learning to have very little confidence in
themselves, whereby, always looking for anyone to fulfill these needs, but
again, who may be more emotionally insecure and hungry for attention than they
are.
I’ve observed a
number of relationships where individuals will create a dependency on one
another (codependency), with the participants patronizing and succumbing to the
demands and expectations of each other.
This environment becomes a total pretense, with each individual devising
methods on how to behave and express the obligatory opinions and feedback that
is required so as not to create any friction that would threaten the dependency
relationship.
This imaginary
scenario will create extreme emotional tension for both parties, but only on an
unconscious level. Consciously, they
will be oblivious to the reality of the dynamics of the interaction. And the culprits responsible for this fantasy
world; are emotional needs!
And this in my
opinion, is one of the main reasons why there are such an extreme number of
separations and divorces occurring in today’s society.
The induction of
relationships generally begins with the forming of expectations and demands on
and from one another. Normally it
requires several years before one or both of the individuals find this
disguised game-playing becoming redundant and boring, and without understanding
why; most likely believing they may be losing the spark in their relationship.
The relationship may
then become laborious, with the parties quite possibly seeking some means of
escape, whereby, resulting with the individuals pursuing dissimilar interests:
all the while denying the emotional estrangement.
Should either one
find someone of greater interest, again necessitating the compulsory
requirements to complement his or her needs, one or both may rationalize that
they are “falling out of love,” now believing he or she loves someone new. And this jumping around from one relationship
to another looking for the perfect mate may continue indefinitely, especially
if their needs increase and become insatiable.
Achieving some
degree of independency is extremely vital.
It will have a distinctive effect on every facet of our lives. Dependency on others will always retard our
emotional growth and the pursuing of genuine emotional goals and endeavors that
would be beneficial for our personal worlds.
If we exhaust our energies always attempting to develop and retain
superficial relationships, rather than the challenging and fulfilling our own
personal world, our emotional environment will continue to be superficial and
unfulfilled.
To break out of this
syndrome entails the constant challenge with truly challenging and experiencing
the genuine internal feelings deriving from the depth of our emotions. I personally know from experience. I’ve dedicated the last 45 years of my life
exploring my inner-Self, disclosing the understanding of my insecurities and
abnormal behavior, which was extremely stressful for me to acknowledge.
And fortunately,
everyone has the potential with discovering and experiencing their genuine
emotions, but only when they are no longer dependent on needs or expectations
for and from others.
The failure with
becoming independent, we will always be chasing our tails attempting to find
our true identities, while required to respond to the emotions of others, who
are pretty much in the same boat as we are.
This is truly total chaos. I have
lived it! It is nothing more than a
human circus, with everyone running around in circles attempting to fulfill
their own emotions, while trying to please the emotions of others.
Editing Required
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