Love vs. Emotional Needs

December 13, 2013  Love vs. Emotional Needs

Richard H. von Gremmler

  

   Distinguishing the disparity associated with genuine love and emotional needs has always been a very subjective and puzzling issue for everyone in today’s society; and predominantly the textbook paper credentialed experts.  (Refer to my article on Emotional Needs)

   The mystery arises not only with possessing the ability of identifying and experiencing one’s own personal genuine emotional feelings, but also, the capacity with experiencing the feelings deriving from the emotions of others.  And all of these dynamics transpire on a subliminal level, but inaccessible from consciousness, because of emotional needs. 

   The number one uncertainty to explore is; could our appeal toward someone occur as a result of genuine positive feelings, or conceivably, because of an emotional emptiness (void) within us.  And to our misfortune, it is more opportune and while ensuring a conscious safety zone, requiring no introspection; by establishing a co-dependency with someone by which to satisfy this empty void.  (Refer to my article on Dependency, Co-Dependency, Independency and Interdependency)

   If we were to become dependent on others to satiate our emotional needs, what if he or she didn’t have similar needs?  This would create a dilemma for us.  The only recourse would be to seek out someone else, by which providing the necessary reciprocal components required with formulating a co-dependency.  This abnormal relationship would be essential, rather than having no one to be dependent on, since it would at least pacify our emotional needs through rationalizing we’re not emotionally lonely; even though unbeknownst to all persons participating; the co-dependent relationship would be in physical manifestation only.

   But the quandary here being: by just surviving, while in denial, whereby avoiding the actuality of the genuine dynamics of the superficial emotional interaction, is that, this will further adversely affect our emotional stability.  If we’re contingent on the emotions of a congregation of others for our salvation, and should they be more emotionally screwed-up than we are, we will become even more dysfunctional; by conforming to complement his or her identity (personality), in order not to lose or disturb this co-dependency.     

   And as a result of our sacrificing our independency, whereby relying on the emotions of others who are also looking for someone to control and manipulate to fulfill their needs, everyone involved will experience guilt and greater frustrations.  And as a result of the guilt, the hollowness and emotional needs become even greater, for everyone!  And again, the subsequent consequence will result with two or more individuals sucking energy from one another like vampires, all the while increasing and accumulating even greater needs, guilt and loneliness!  (Refer to my articles on Control and Manipulation and Guilt)

   Even though co-dependency is an abnormal phenomenon, there is a scenario where a co-dependency would be appropriate.  With co-dependency, this entails two or more individuals dependent on the emotions of each other.  But what if there were two individuals who were interdependent?  This would establish a healthy co-dependency, whereby establishing a unique phenomenon, which I will refer to as co-interdependency. 

   With co-interdependency, this entails two or more individuals, all of whom are independent, whereby they are able to share their feelings with one another without demands or expectancies.  And any physical separation would be of no consequence, since there will always be emotional freedom and subliminal sharing.  Whereas, with co-dependency, all parties are always demanding and expecting from one another, attempting to fulfill emotional needs, and will experience isolation anxieties whenever separated.

  The solution with resolving co-dependency is, by first clarifying the emotions within oneself.  This necessitates delving into the deepest sanctum of our unconscious inner-Self, whereby facilitating us to define a simplistic understanding of the authentic dynamics responsible for the restriction of our repressed emotions.  (Refer to my article on Consciousness, Subconscious and Unconscious inner-Self)

   The objective is to achieve inner-Self peace and tranquility, thereby nor requiring needs from others for this emotional Self-actualization.  Only we can satisfy our emotional salvation.

   This undertaking with confronting the genuine identity (personality) within oneself will inspire emotional self-confidence and autonomy, whereby curtailing dependency on others; and this even comprises family ties, mates, friends, etc.  This may appear counter-productive, but through achieving independency, this will actually engender and allow for an unconstrained and truly genuine exhilarating atmosphere with everyone; consequently provoking a genuine emotional reciprocity.

   This liberation will provide us with the courage and freedom to express and share our emotional world with everyone, without discrimination or reciprocity requirements; and especially intimidation by others because of our self-confidence.  And once we are successful with articulating genuineness, we will never have emotional needs for approval from others; as we will always have the capability with providing and fulfilling this sanctuary within ourselves.

   Discovering and revealing awareness within oneself must never cease from cultivating.  Through our supporting and the sharing with everyone, and without the needing to receive, this heartfelt giving will not only enrich our own personal emotional environment, but will also energize others with emotional support for their personal well-being.  Expressing genuine and sincere emotional compassion, and with no expectations or the demanding from others, is, the ultimate giving and receiving.  And without these rudiments, there will never be love.  (Refer to my article on Giving and receiving)

   What I have always found provocative is, interpreting the inference of the reference “love thy neighbor.“  I believe this to be metaphorically expressing; sharing our love and warmth with everyone.  It’s not that we are required to love others, but to be emotionally positive, and to express our feelings without expectations.  For example, how could we love someone who is cruel to others, and especially animals and children?  Impossible!!

    Another thought-provoking phenomenon, is observing the self-righteous elite pious individuals, especially the practitioners, pretending to love everyone, while subliminally illuminating selfish and self-indulgent motives.  Their intended goal, I suspect, is insinuating to themselves, and especially the emotionally needy and extremely vulnerable oblivious followers; that they are kind and caring individuals; by painstakingly contriving their objective behavior in accordance with an established prescribed doctrine (bible or other resources) they have memorized, but yet, may have not truly emotionally experienced, or have any insight or comprehension of the respective text. 

   And as a result of their performance(s), they will be rewarded financially, and/or on a more transcendental level, be received into Heaven or some other divine afterlife.  In either scenario, the ultimate purpose is for self-compensation.  As for myself, I have never questioned the hereafter, as I seriously believe Heaven, Purgatory (Catholicism) and Hell are the here and now.

   If we are not truly giving and receiving, we are exploiting others for our own personal and selfish motives.  To me, altruistic giving and receiving should always be the primary focus and undertaking of our everyday living.

   And this is what love is all about, genuinely giving to give, rather than giving to receive.  And sex has nothing to do with love.  Sex is nothing more than a physiological and/or psychological need that does not involve our emotions; except for fantasizing we’re making love.   

   My personal opinion, is that, as I observe the individuals in today’s society, and I am only familiar with certain other areas, as Europe and Asia, that there are a number of them who are content with just surviving, while living in emotional chaos.  Look around and observe some of the disgruntled and unhappy individuals abusing one another, and especially within the family structure. 

    A good example of this involves our governments.  How can these individuals be so self-indulging, and without having any emotional feelings for the less fortunate?  Who in government is truly a compassionate and honorable religious patron or Christian?  It would be an interesting research project to discover if there was anyone involved in politics that was altruistic.

   If we are incapable with sincerely giving and receiving, we cannot be loved, but will only attract those who are also emotionally helpless.  Since, if we were emotionally lost, why in the world would someone with emotional attributes want to be around us, especially since we have nothing to offer, other than self-pity?  I have been there!  (Refer to my article on The Dynamics of Giving and Receiving)

  It’s only when we are emotionally fulfilled, whereby, not expecting or needing to be loved, could someone find us emotionally attractive.  Again, being incapable with loving oneself will only attract other cripples with similar personalities.  This is why there are so many separations and divorces in today’s society.  The individuals, who are able to stick it out, and without loving one another, usually endure each other by staying active and/or remote from one another, or by tolerating each other and just existing in physical presence.

   Most individuals believe dating to be the primary opportunity for finding true love.  But the difficulty here is, when individuals first encounter someone they find physically attractive, they will normally put up a facade, with the intention of impressing whomever.  Unfortunately, beginning with the initial interaction, which will establish ego-defense mechanisms (barriers) to hide their genuine identity (personality), instead of the relationship progressing, it actually begins digressing. (Refer to my article on Ego-Defense Mechanisms)

   How can individuals emotionally connect, while attempting to experience the personality of one another, if all they can do is to judge each other by what they see, and not emotionally feel or appreciate?  Since, if there are no positive and genuine dynamics taking place within the relationship, all it can accomplish is to become mass confusion.  And it is impossible for any relationship to progress at one moment, and then digress at another, except for those who bounce all over the place with ongoing emotional highs and lows; always resulting with extreme confusion and frustrations, through playing emotional games and/or constantly arguing.

   When individuals first encounter others they think they have an attraction toward, this is typically influenced by their physical appearance.  But should either of them believe that they are progressing into an in-depth and intimate relationship, and while not being authentic with their selves first, both will unconsciously experience stress.  And this emotional interaction can be especially stressful, if, one of the parties is more secure with him or herself, than the other party.  And to add to this calamity, rarely will they understand that, their desirability for each other most probably transpires because of lust.  (Refer to my article on Stress/Anger Conflicts)

   The interesting thing about authentic and everlasting love is, as I had pointed out earlier; lust can never be part of the equation.  It seems as if EVERYONE in today’s society is sexually confused.  We usually equate sex with love.  Unfortunately, most individuals view others, both emotionally and physically, for how they appear, rather than the internal beauty of an individual.  And this also includes how we observe ourselves. 

   Welcome to the world of divorces and breakups.  Once we believe we are becoming bored with one another, or because of physical appearances from normal aging, where we may no longer find the other person stimulating or physically attractive, is usually when we begin looking for someone new to fulfill the same emotional void we initially started out with!  But realistically, if the relationship were genuine to begin with, there could never be any factors that would hamper or destroy the feelings for one another.  Genuine beauty always originates from within and will never wane.                   

   The failure with being honest and loyal with oneself is, actually self-depriving.  Basically, we’ll always experience loneliness while alone, and also whenever we’re around others.  And while associating with others, who may also be rebelling against their emotions, this may provide us with some immediate gratification (false comfort) since misery does love company, but makes for a very confused and stressed-out environment.  By attempting to affiliate with others who are also inhibited and insecure with themselves; will generate even much greater stress (guilt) for everyone.  And this just exacerbates the stress and self-denial!  

   When failing to be genuine when encountering authentic individuals, this will always trigger stress for us, because of our self-denial.  We may then avoid being around them for any extended period of time, or even thinking about them (emotionally withdrawing), as they become the stimulus, or part of the stimuli that will remind us of our own personal failures and emotional suffering.  And we may even think we dislike them, because of their arrogance (self-confidence).

   And to add to this dilemma, genuine individuals will more than likely make every imaginable excuse to avoid any prolonged interaction with us.

We can only survive with other individuals, who are also in denial, wasting positive energies emotionally contributing to and abusing one another, while rebelling against accepting our real world. 

   All of the oblivious parties will then establish adequate barriers so as to prevent acknowledging to themselves and one another that they are avoiding the prevailing situation, which will then create an even greater crisis.  Thus, the individuals will hide their emotional feelings further from one another, and themselves, while just existing in the world of denial. 

   Outside of their personal environment, the self-abusive individuals will rationalize to themselves to be comfortable, but only while being with other unaware individuals.  Believe it!  Misery does love company.  And my theory is, the personalities of those whom we are with, is, a reflection of our own identity (personality)!

   Pseudo relationships will generate all kinds of emotional confusion and misunderstanding.  If we feel lonely for someone, chances are pretty good that we have never had a relationship with them to begin with.  Genuine emotions have no detachment, as if there is true love (interdependency), the love will always be healthy and alive within us.  There can never be an emotional separation, only physical.  And this also includes even should a loved one pass away; the loving memories will always prevail and live on forever. 

   I feel one of the greatest emotional conflicts we will ever experience in life is, the need to love and be loved.  And as long as we have these needs, we can never be loved.  What happens is, instead of being realistic, whereby, by allowing ourselves the freedom with experiencing and expressing our genuine feelings, we perform in such a manner so as to be appealing to those individuals we may find attractive, while rationalizing to ourselves that we truly love them or they love us.  But basically, we will be experiencing nothing more than pretension with the other individual(s). 

   This charade may last for a significant period of time and, in some cases, a lifetime.  Or we might eventually think that we fell out of love.  But hopefully, we will eventually come to the realization that there never was love to begin with.  And also, there is no such thing as “falling out of love” when there is genuine love.

   Our prior conditioning, and our ego-defense mechanisms (barriers), which prevent us from recognizing the conditioning, will manipulate our conscious mind to trust those who appear to fulfill our emotional needs.  And unfortunately, dysfunctional childhoods will almost always motivate us to pursue emotional endeavors to the extreme, either by being submissive, or dominant.  (Refer to my article on Subliminal and Operant Conditioning)

   We may also romanticize that we love someone because of his or her pretension (emotional needs) with loving us.  And as a result of this conviction, we will rationalize that we love them, needing to believe we have found someone we can truly love.  With the aforementioned scenario, we will still be confused and unfulfilled, as we are attempting to protect ourselves from identifying the reality of the situation.  Basically, we are deceiving them as well as ourselves, with the intent to prevent any pain and suffering we would experience should we believe to be in love and then have it taken from us.

   What I have found extremely interesting and invigorating is, and even though what theories I have commented on earlier, with an acute degree of Self-awareness, we can be capable with loving others, whether they are aware and self-loving or not.

   I believe everyone is lovable.  It’s just that, if individuals have not received a sufficient regimen of love and support when they were younger, most likely, during their later years, while just attempting to survive, as a result of ego-defense mechanisms, their genuine emotions are obscured from consciousness and also the awareness of others.  Ego-defense mechanisms will protect them from threatening internal and external stimuli, but unfortunately, will also prevent them from experiencing and exhibiting their genuine feelings.  So basically, deep down in the unconscious inner-Self lies a good person, but on the surface, reveals a confused and guarded (emotionally inhibited) individual.

   With acute awareness, we’re able to feel and experience the emotions within ourselves and also the emotions of others, even though without their knowledge.  And even though some individuals may appear undesirable and aloof, and their ego-defenses (barriers) restrict emotional disclosure of their inner-feelings, the barriers cannot restrict others from feeling and experiencing their internal environment for who they truly are. 

   As I had mentioned previously, most individuals judge others as a result of their appearances and behavior.  These judgments can be very deceiving.  And this is why there are so many divorces occurring in today’s society.  As I had mentioned prior, oblivion is the key word here.

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